Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
