oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
