I think my vagina is haunted
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
