I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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