you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
