I faked an abortion last night.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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