I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
