I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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