I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
