Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
