Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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