Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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