i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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