Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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