I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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