I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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