somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
