i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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