OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
