I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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