I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
