I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
