kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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