I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
