take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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