she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
