Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
