even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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