So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
