I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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