all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
