The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
