I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
