It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
