I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
