I'm eating all of the evidence.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
