Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
