Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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