She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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