I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
