I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
