That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
