So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
