Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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