sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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