It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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