whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just want nice things and good sex
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
