He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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