when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
