he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
